Pregnancy losses

 Dear mamazala

I am a 48 year old woman and a divorcee. My husband divorced me because I could not give him the children he wants. We have been to numerous Medical Doctors and they saw nothing wrong with my reproductive system. I am able to fall pregnant but only for 7weeks maximum.

My ex husband divorced me 5 years ago and he married the woman he impregnated while married to me. They are happily married with 3 kids now. I am miserable and lonely. It's not that I want my husband back but a baby of my own would make me whole again.

My exhusband does not believe in traditional Doctors so after our divorce I decided to take that route hoping to find a solution. I was then told that my grandmother, the woman who brought me up with so much love and care performed a no pregnancy ritual for me.

My grandmother loved me so much, but a part of me believes she could have done it because she always warned me against guys and always told me that teenage pregnancy will not be a part of my worries or even hers.

The reason I am convinced it might be her doings, is because I went through her things not long ago and I have found a very dirty face cloth, my dirty undies and some blackish thing that smells like Vaseline and burnt flesh. I have attached pictures for you.

The items I found were hidden in a shoe box inside a locked tool box that belonged to my grandad who passed away when I was just 10.

Also she used to say I am going to finish school, get married and find a job first then have a baby. She spoke very confidently.

Unfortunately my grandmother passed away when I was 17 years old. According to the four different traditional healers I consulted with, they say my granny has buried my first menstrual cycle cloth in the bushes and on top of it planted a tree so that when I am at a certain age she can memorise the spot using the tree.

The ritual can only be broken by digging out the tree and the sanitary cloth. I don't even know where to begin. I've tried so many times but no luck. My mother had me at 15 years and she died shortly after.

I wish she could just come in my dreams and direct me to the tree. I am so hurt by all this information knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. My grandmother has died with my babies and my happiness. 

I am also pleading with anyone who might know what I can do to get rid of the ritual. I am more than desperate to have my own flesh and blood. The adoption way is too long and complicated. 

I feel so much like less of a woman and sometimes I even think of taking my life because I feel like I am a laughing stock in my village. 

I am a nurse so seeing children pregnant and some coming for abortions leave me paralysed. I am even ready to take an early retirement package because it's too much for me.