Ticker

6/recent/ticker-posts

I AM TAKING MY LIFE BECAUSE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

 Hi admin please post for me. 



Edit: this gradually turned into an unaliving note, and is quite long. Read at your own disposal. 


Dumelang bagolo...21 year old female here. I think I just need to vent maybe for the last time since I clearly can't keep it together anymore.


Yoh bagolo I'm tired. Ja no, ek is moeg🤞. As I'm typing this its 01:45 and I'm crying, reluctant to fall asleep because maybe I won't wake up tomorrow morning. Actually I don't want to anymore. There's weird sounds I'm hearing right now, like someone's in the  house, moving things. I told my grandmother 2 nights ago that I heard a loud knock on the door but I know she missed it because she had turned up the volume when watching the news. 

Later that night I heard the lower door pushing open despite the fact that we place a broom there to keep it shut. I'm certain it's the lower one because it has a distinct sound from the upper one when pushed. Anyways, woke my gran up then she went to check and said I hadn't placed the broom firmly enough (bona, I know that thing was firm but ke). 


《01:57》the sounds are getting louder, I swear something's moved in the kitchen...we don't have a tap in there and yet it sounded like water was flowing. These tap sounds on the tv, doors and kitchen cupboards aren't helping. They're here...

I was told to just pray about it and they'll go away. Use rough salt and madubula and they'll go away. Hai no bagolo they don't leave for forever, they just come back stronger. 


Enough people have convinced me at this point that these things/people or whatever, have been at it since I was an infant but my mother never wants to answer to these things surprisingly. Makes sense though, my life's been s××tty for the longest time and I guess s××t gets worse when I'm any where close to my mom. 

《02:07》there's a grunting sound from the kitchen (also a shrug sort of sound- like you know the sound slippers make when you drag your feet), dat you spiritual husband?🙄😒. The rape cases, the lies I never told but people believe I did. Kore there's just a lot bagolo and nna I'm tired. The so called spiritual husband that leaves me wet or sometimes bloody when I awaken.

 The gazillion dreams of me eating and wake up feeling sick but not being attended to because I'm not the favourite child, only favoured kids get sick and deserve medical aid and any form of spiritual assistance. Each time a relative takes me to their church and I'm prayed for there, things get better (these people attend very different churches but again, solution to my problems? Prayer). 


Well I'm tired of praying, it's never permanent. Been suicidal for some years now and two prophets mentioned praying against the spirit of death. I've stopped now, because I don't, I can't anymore. Too much has happened, too much is happening. They've won so why are they still fighting me. My life's a mess and no one likes me. 

I have all these weird skin problems that won't go away and it's all messed with my self esteem, self love and just...plain self anything. I don't expect anyone to like me because even *I* don't like me. 


Every single flippin day is a spiritual battle and family makes things worse. I don't have anything nor anyone anymore so shouldn't they be satisfied now? Enough spiritualists have said it's because I'm meant to be very far in life even though I might not see it. Bona let's talk about present continuous, don't tell me what the future holds when I'm barely holding myself together in the present.  

Teach me how to heal, I'm a black child for God's sake, the ones before me never umderstood the word and so know no peace. But time's run out and I just like other kids, I also wanna stop being a burden because well damn, it's burdening. 


I'm sure many have had the type of sleep paralysis that makes you believe you're awake even though you aren't. Those have been frequent lately and a night ago I was actually ready to die in those. Problem was that I couldn't handle the high piched sound so I worked to wake myself up. The food dreams as well. 

Sangomas say I have iscitho, prophets call it a black cloud hovering over me. Was really looking forward to when the dust would settle and girl finds peace but hey man, not everyone finds serenity. 

Tired of fighting battles that aren't mine. Tired of the nightmares or so called visions. Wish I was like my peers, drinking or smoking my problems away, with the way I've been living I would've died sooner...I would've appreciated that.

I needed counselling from when I was 7 but that ship has sailed and I don't care anymore. I miss feeling numb, makes the unaliving quick and easy. Been waiting for the neuroplasticity to kick in but the witches are making things easier...yes, I'm letting the devil win.

 The demons are to celebrate now as the witches/wizards might use my soul for whatever...


...let them...because my souls tired in a living body. Konke seku'fana manje. I'm done😞yoh, hai🙌I'm done😤