I GIVE BIRTH TO BABIES AND SACRIFICE THEM FOR WEALTH

 I GIVE BIRTH TO BABIES AND SACRIFICE THEM FOR WEALTH 

I am ashamed to even my story but a problem shared is half solved. I hope after this confession I will get the help that I am longing for. So when I was in grade 9 many years ago my sangoma grandfather r@ped me and I fell pregnant.

When he found out that I was pregnant he took me and hid me in a hut somewhere in the forest where he used to do his sacred things. Some people call those huts ndomba. Only that the one he had was at a secret place in some mountain.

He hid me there and kept coming to give me food and water. He kept telling me that after giving birth I will go home and I should not tell anyone about my pregnancy or the baby or I'll go mad and die.

From what I heard he lied to the family and told them that I was being initiated under water and they believed him because they did not know the monster he truly was.

My mother and grandmother would give him food and changing clothes for me. My mother was mentally ill but not the full mental illness. Just one of those that she was extremely slow and wouldn't think for herself. She was the kind that you need to give her food and also tell her to eat the food or she would just hold them until thy Kingdom come.

A part of me honestly believe that my mother was my grandfather's victim. According to other family members before she had me she also went under water for initiations twice. They say that the third time she escaped and came out pregnant with me and she has since been that slow and her speech is also poor so she has never told anyone how she escaped and how she fell pregnant under water.

But my grandfather convinced them that she went under water pregnant and her ancestors turned their backs on her and at the end they even chased her from the water and sent her back with a punishment of mental disorder.

During my days in the sacred room where my grandfather hid me,he would sometimes come and have his way with me and leave for home. The day I gave birth he even slept there to make sure I deliver safely.

I thought I would go home with my baby. I had grown very fond of the baby since we bonded so much during pregnancy. I spent all times alone therefore I spoke to the baby all the time and I felt the baby's movements and kicks.

My grandfather helped me deliver and later took away my baby from me. He later came back with the baby and made me watch while he performed witchcraft on my dead baby's body. He forced me to be a part of the ritual. He kept reminding me that if I don't do it then I will either lose my sanity or meet my death early.

I watched him cut down my baby's tiny tongue infront of me and put it on the fire for a few minutes then forced me to eat it. By doing so I later learned that the tongue I ate will stop me from exposing him when I wanted to. He then put the baby in the middle of the hut. There was a hole he had covered with the bed I slept on. He moved the bed and put my baby on a wood that overlapped on the hole.

He forced me to drink some black Muti and also he cut off my hair and made cuts using razor on the head then smeared some brown powder on my head. The powder smelled very bad and the smell was so strong that it made me cough for a couple of seconds.

My grandfather then left. In the Middle of the night while I was sleeping a very big snake came from the whole and took my baby in the whole. I know the baby was dead but I screamed till I passed out with no one coming to my rescue.

In the morning I was woken up by the door opening. It was my grandfather. There was a black leather bag where I last saw my baby's body. He ordered me to open it up and I did as scared as I was I gathered strength to open it. 

I was actually hoping that it is my baby and all that I had seen was a dream. But I found a lot of money in there. He then said that is our money and if this stays between us you will be very rich.

He then opened his hand and blew some powder on my face. Then he said now we are going home and none of this ever happened. When we get there you tell everyone that you were under water and you are forbidden from sharing any sort of information.

Since that has happened,I've been pregnant every year for my grandfather and the same procedure follows. He lies to people saying that I am a very powerful healer but the ancestors are still preparing. He's saying that so that they don't question why I do not put my powers to use yet I keep going under water every year. The sad part is people believe him.

Everytime I return home with the leather bag full of money and I see people being extremely excited about the money not knowing what I go through for it.

But also at some point I think I also became very addicted to the whole process. I started doing it willingly and with so much ease yearly. This went on for 10 years. Until I was saved by a praying woman.

Unfortunately I can't mention her names or how it happened for her own safety.  Her spiritual journey has costed her so many sufferings and attacks. She's still fighting for me spiritually but by fighting for me she's causing harm and pain to herself. I am on this platform to seek help for both she and I. We are in hiding from my grandfather even now. She rescued me and took me to a safe place. My grandfather is old by age but he possess so much youth spiritualy. Please help me lose the addiction of sacrificing my newborn babies.

And also help me save the mama that saw me and saved me from evil that has been formed against me from a very young age. I sometimes dream about the snake and do not know what to do.