Admin please hide my name. I hardly speak about my situation because I am scared of being judged or even be made to feel worse than I already do. I am the second born of 3 boys and a girl.
My mom was one of those very strict moms that you would literally start shaking in fear when she comes back home. She was the kind of mom that would beat you up for telling the truth and she would say you are lying even if you are not.
Like she always wanted us to own up to things we are not responsible for. The more you told the truth which she believed was a lie the more you'd be making her angry. But either way whether you tell the truth or not she would still beat you up.
I was terrified of my mom, so so terrified of her that if we are traveling long distance and I'd need to use the bathroom I'd keep it in. Even if I was hungry telling her was never an option. There was three of us (boys) and the last born was a little girl.
My mom loved my little sister so much,she is the child she prayed for none stop. She has always wanted a girl child and God forced boys down her throat three times. So when she finally gave birth to a girl her whole world softened up.
But my mother was a very busy person. She was the kind of mother who'd spend the whole day doing chores if she wasn't at work. Most times while she'd be busy with chores we would take turns guarding our little sister.
When I was 8 years old and my little sister was two years old, we went away on a family vacation. There was a pool outside the place where we were booked. So after having breakfast my mom ordered me and my elder brother who was 10 at that time to go bath.
When we were done she said my elder brother should wash the dishes and I should look after our little sister whilst she and dad go take a shower. Then my younger brother was also told to go bath. The place we were at was a self catering kind of place and the main bedroom had a bathroom inside.
My younger brother went to bath,my big brother went to do the dishes and I knew I'd supper dishes since we always had lunch at restaurants while exploring the place. I sat down with my little sister outside just by the pool and I got lost on my phone for a few minutes then I had something dropping in the pool.
Mind you,I can't even swim to save my life or that of my little sister. When I looked it was my little sister. The way I was so scared of my mother I was already imagining her punishing me. I didn't even scream,I tried getting in to save her quietly.
Little did I know that every second counted and every second passing by was claiming her life. I got into the water and tried swimming towards her and I was now also drowning but I screamed for help and my older brother screamed for my parents to come help us. He also couldn't swim so all he could do was scream.
They came out rushing and my mom jumped in to save my little sister, passing me inside the pool and my dad jumped in to save me. They tried to bring her back but it was a little too late. They rushed her to the hospital where they confirmed her passing.
I sometimes wish I had screamed immediately maybe she would have survived. When I realised that she had fallen inside the water it took me probably 5 minutes to get out of shock and start acting. Trying to get into the water wasted more minutes.
By the time my parents got to the pool it must have been 10 minutes of her struggle. To this day my mom still blames me for my sister's death and she believes I pushed her in. When I impregnated my girlfriend later in life, and we found out that it was a girl.
She said "I want to see if you'll push your own child in the pool or was it mine that deserves to be pushed". Sometimes I just wish my dad had never rescued me and I wish I had passed too. I wish I could trade places with my little sister,I am sure that would make my mother very happy.
I am struggling to forgive myself and my mom is not making it easy either. I wish I could just take my l!fe,maybe that will make her happy. I see eyes full of hate whenever I look at her. I hardly even visit home because she always make sure she reminds me of what I supposedly did.
It hurts so much to be hated by your own mother. I don't have her blessings in anything and my children are also treated differently from my other brother's kids. My kids are even asking questions because they notice the tension.
Is there any muti I could use to make peace between my mother and I? Can I make her forgive me with any muti Please?
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